


SEE

by ALLITBB



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23292283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ALLITBB/pseuds/ALLITBB
Summary: This is the story of Beca's second album after she signed with Khaled. This is AU  but still has some canon aspects. The timeline and ages in this are different. You'll see. I suck at this.
Relationships: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Comments: 22
Kudos: 38





	1. Do I wanna know

**Author's Note:**

> If you are looking for fluff, dont read this cuz you'll probably hate it. If you've read my other stuff and got pissed off then the same will probably happen here. You've been warned.
> 
> Chaptwe 1 - 2917 words

The red light flashed on her mixing board. Beca let out a sigh of relief, she knew exactly who was at the door. She stood from her comfy seat and opened the studio door with a tired smile on her face. "Hey, Em."

"Hey, Becs!" Emily said, as enthusiastic as ever, as she slid past Beca to plop down on the couch.

"Thanks for coming. My head is about to explode with all the shit I obviously can't come up with." Beca closed and locked the door again. 

"No problem. That's what they pay me the big bucks for." Emily started pulling all of her notebooks out of her bag. "Do you know what direction you're wanting to take the album? I know Khaled is giving you free reign on this one."

"No, I've got no idea." Beca plopped back into her chair, swiveling around to face Emily. "That's sort of the problem. With my first album he shoved a team at me and gave me the direction he wanted me to go. And the lyricist worked with that. Khaled said that even though the album did well, he thinks it would be even better if I put myself into it? Whatever that means?"

Emily chuckled. "I think he's still sulking over the fact that you didn't get that Grammy you were nominated for. He just wants more feeling in this one. Your last album was very. Uh. Poppy? Is that a word? Anyways. It seems like the only negative thing critics had to say was that there was no feeling in the music. He just wants you to put your feelings into it."

"Oh great." Beca rolled her eyes. "Cuz I'm so  _ great _ with feelings."

Emily chuckled. "Give yourself some credit, Becs. You have a lot more heart than you let the world see."

Beca scoffed. "Ok, weirdo. You're the lyricist here. So. Help me put my feelings into words that the rest of the human population can understand so that I can continue to feed Kronos."

"That dog really does eat a lot!"

"Hey!" Beca reprimanded. "Kronos is not a dog. He is a beautiful, beautiful soul and my pride and joy. So he can eat as much steak as he wants. Even as I heat up my microwave dinner."

Emily rolled her eyes at that. "You are the literal worst! Why would you cook him a steak and then pop something in the microwave for yourself? That literally makes no sense."

"Ok we are getting off topic here. I can feel the judgment rolling off you in spades. Where do we start?"

Emily started digging in her bag again. "Well first. I'm gonna need a pen. Apparently I'm not that professional."

"I've got some in my desk in my office." Beca stood to leave the room. "Do you have any color preferences, princess?"

"Only black like your soul, Becs." Emily gave a sarcastic smile.

Beca scoffed as she left.

Emily stood and started looking around the small studio she's only been in a couple of times. Beca acts like her first album tanked, but that wasn't true at all. She managed to be able to buy this house and build her own studio inside. 

Emily opened a cabinet that led to all of Beca's vinyls. "Such an old lady." She mumbled to herself. She caught sight of a notebook and pen laying on top of one of the stacks. She grabbed it and went to holler at Beca that she found one until she saw the title on the cover. It simply read  _ Chloe _ in Beca's neat handwriting. 

She didn't mean to snoop. Not really. But Junks have never been known for their self control. She flipped it open to the middle of the notebook and started reading. 

_ Did I make it up? _

_ I was yesterday's regret _

_ But today I woke up in your bed _

_ Have I had enough? _

_ Oh, have I had enough? _

_ Sick of all the slippery, slippery stuff _

_ Red apple, cherry on your lips _

_ Killing me with every kiss _

"What are you doing?"

Emily jumped as she heard Beca's booming voice. "Becs, what is this?"

Beca slowly walked over to her and took the book from her hand. She was restraining herself. Emily could clearly see that Beca wanted to explode. She's seen it happen. Never to her, but to others, but it was still scary to witness. 

"It's not important, is what it is. I've got a pen. Shall we get started?" Beca said as she placed the notebook back on the shelf. 

But Emily, being Emily, wasn't having it. "Oh no you don't!" She snatched it back off the shelf. "If the rest of this is filled with the same type of stuff I just read, then it is most definitely important!"

"Emily. Seriously. Don't do this. You know how touchy this subject is."

"Oh, you're right, I do know. Except I don't actually know why, now do I? Because you never talk about it. I don't get it. You two were so close. You were friends. What the hell happened?"

"It's a long story." 

Emily could feel Beca wanting to give in and talk about it. She just needed a little push. "I've got a lot of time, Beca. Just talk to me."

Beca let out a sigh and fell back into her chair. "Well. Might as well start from the beginning. Open it up to the first page."

**Beca's junior year of high school**

"Becs!" Beca whipped around as Chloe tackled her into a bear hug. "I've missed you!"

Beca chuckled. "It's only been like a week you weirdo. God I am so not ready for this year."

Chloe slapped her arm as she let her go. "So what? I'm not allowed to miss you after not being able to talk to you for a week?"

Beca smirked. "So was cheer camp not all it was cut out to be? You're a senior this year. I figured you would've ran that place."

"Oh! No, it was totes great! I met this new chick. Aubrey. She's a senior too! She'll be going to Barden next year so I'm so glad that we became friends. It would've been so weird not knowing anybody next year. But she's also supposed to be starting here with us today. I guess her dad is in the Army and just got stationed close by."

"Oh yay! More peppy cheerleaders in my life! That's exactly what I need!" Beca deadpanned as she slammed her locker.

Chloe shoved her lightly. "Don't be a jerk. She's super sweet. Maybe a little tense though. But anyways. I have to get to class before all the good seats are taken. Catch you at lunch?"

"You know it, Red." Beca watched as Chloe walked away. She sighed as she slumped against her locker.

"You're so whipped."

Beca turned and glared as best she could at her other best friend. "Shut up, jerk. And where the hell did you come from? Have you just been waiting until Chloe left?"

"You know she doesn't like me, Becs. Every time I'm around you I feel her trying to use  _ the force _ to throw me in front of a bus."

"You're such a nerd. Chloe likes everyone. Maybe she's just trying to telepathically tell you to stop trying to grow a beard. It's not working. You look like Joe Dirt."

Jesse grabbed his chest dramatically. "Ouch! Words hurt, Beca. And besides. My dad said his did the same thing when he was young. I just have to wait it out." He rubbed his stubbly chin. 

Beca snorted as she laughed. "Your dad still looks like Joe Dirt." She pushed off her locker and began walking. She turned around as she walked backwards so she could yell to Jesse. "Besides. Didn't Joe Dirt get the girl in the end?" Jesse's beaming smile was enough to make her feel better about her digs at him. She chuckled as she turned around, and slammed directly into a solid body.

"Watch it, Hobbit!"

Whoever Beca ran into pushed her. "Jeeze. Chill out, dude. It was an accident." Beca smoothed out her clothes as she looked at the blonde square in the eye. 

The blonde scoffed. "Right. A girl like you? Probably looking to cop a feel."

"Are you serious right now? I don't know who the hell you think you are, but you don't even know me."

The blonde looked her up and down. "I know enough." The blonde then shoulder checked her as she walked past. 

"Jesus." Beca mumbled as she started walking to her class. "What a great way to start the year."

**Present time**

"Wait wait wait. So, I'm going to assume the blonde was Aubrey?" Emily asked and Beca nodded in the affirmative. "So you, Chloe, Jesse, and Aubrey all knew each other in high school?"

"Yep. God, that was an awful year."

"Why? It seemed like you and Chloe were super close. What happened?"

"Well, you kind of interrupted me there now didn't you?" Beca cocked an eyebrow. 

"You're right. Proceed." Emily gestured with her hand dramatically. 

Beca rolled her eyes. "As I was saying."

**Back to junior year.**

Lunch time finally rolled around and Beca managed to snag a table under a tree. She's never been one for too much sun. She waited for her favorite redhead to turn up as she popped in her headphones. 

She saw Chloe coming out of the main building and had to suppress her smile. The redhead smiled and waved at her before she linked her arm with the same blonde from earlier and started walking in the opposite direction. Beca furrowed her brows. "What the fuck?"

"Oh, burn!" Jesse teased as he slid in next to Beca on top of the table. "Getting left behind for the new cheerleader. How cliche."

"Shut up, Jesse!" Beca shoved him as she jumped off the table and headed for the big building behind them. 

"Hey, where you going?" Jesse raced to catch up with her.

"Music hall. Only reason I came out here was cuz Chloe said she wanted to catch up for lunch. Guess that isn't happening now."

Jesse slung his arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Becs. She probably just got caught up. First day back and all."

"Yeah, maybe." She mumbled. She felt her phone vibrate as she pushed through the doors. "Go hang out with Matt. I'm just gonna bang on the piano for a bit."

"You sure? I don't wanna leave ya hangin."

"Yeah I'm sure. Thanks, Jess." She waited for him to leave before she pulled out her phone.

**[Sunshine] : sorry becs. Aubrey wanted to go over some routines before practice. Can I come over later?**

**[Beats] : sure.**

**[Sunshine] : you ok?**

**[Beats] : I'm good. Just chilling in the music hall. See ya later red.**

And it's not like Beca was expecting a text back. (She was.) But it would've been nice. She shoves her phone back in her pocket after five minutes go by. 

**Xxxx**

Beca finally gave up on Chloe coming by. Her practice ends at 5 and it's almost 8. She huffs as she locks the door. She's about halfway up her steps when the doorbell rings. She figured her dad forgot his keys again. He's been doing that a lot lately. She huffed as she trudged back down the stairs. "I was just about to have my headphones on. You're lucky I even heard the door." She swung it open to see none other than Chloe Beale standing on her doorstep. 

"Hey, Becs."

Beca furrowed her brows. "What are you doing here?" Beca didn't miss the hurt that crossed Chloe's face. She didn't mean to sound rude but she was a little upset with her best friend/ crush. 

"I told you I'd come over?"

"Yeah but I figured that'd be hours ago."

"Do you. Um. Do you want me to go?" Chloe gestured behind herself with a hurt look on her face.

Beca sighed and dropped her tense posture. "Don't be stupid. Come in. I was just about to start working on a new song. How would I do that without my muse?"

Chloe gave a beaming smile. "Great!" She made her way past Beca and started towards the smaller girl's room. "You ever gonna let me hear any of these songs?"

"Not a chance, Beale. You can hear the mixes but not the originals. Those will only be heard when I've sold them for millions to other people with better voices than mine" 

The girls chuckled together as they made their way up the stairs. "Where's your dad? I didn't see his car. I know your moms at work."

"Who knows. Probably still holed up in his office at Barden. Mom's been working tons of overtime so he's been spending a lot of time at school."

"That sucks, Becs, I'm sorry."

"Eh. No worries. I can keep myself company."

**Present time**

"So that's the night I wrote that first song. I never actually wrote anything about Chloe before. I actively tried not to. It was just too risky. But I couldn't help it that night. She seemed so close yet so far away at the same time."

Emily read the words thoroughly. 

_ Have you got colour in your cheeks? _

_ Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift _

_ The type that sticks around like summat in your teeth? _

_ Are there some aces up your sleeve? _

_ Have you no idea that you're in deep? _

_ I dreamt about you nearly every night this week _

_ How many secrets can you keep? _

_ 'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat _

_ Until I fall asleep _

_ Spilling drinks on my settee _

_ (Do I wanna know?) _

_ If this feeling flows both ways? _

_ (Sad to see you go) _

_ Was sort of hoping that you'd stay _

_ (Baby, we both know) _

_ That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day _

_ Crawling back to you _

_ Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? _

_ 'Cause I always do _

_ Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new _

_ Now I've thought it through _

_ Crawling back to you _

_ So have you got the guts? _

_ Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts _

_ Simmer down and pucker up _

_ I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you _

_ I don't know if you feel the same as I do _

_ But we could be together if you wanted to _

_ (Do I wanna know?) _

_ If this feeling flows both ways? _

_ (Sad to see you go) _

_ Was sort of hoping that you'd stay _

_ (Baby, we both know) _

_ That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day _

_ Crawling back to you (crawling back to you) _

_ Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? (you've had a few) _

_ 'Cause I always do ('cause I always do) _

_ Maybe I'm too (maybe I'm too busy) busy being yours to fall for somebody new _

_ Now I've thought it through _

_ Crawling back to you _

_ (Do I wanna know?) _

_ If this feeling flows both ways? _

_ (Sad to see you go) _

_ Was sort of hoping that you'd stay _

_ (Baby, we both know) _

_ That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day _

_ (Do I wanna know?) _

_ Too busy being yours to fall _

_ (Sad to see you go) _

_ Ever thought of calling darling? _

_ (Do I wanna know?) _

_ Do you want me crawling back to you? _

"Huh. This is like really good, Becs"

Beca scoffed. "Yeah well. I was just trying to sort my shit out in my head."

"She made it sound like you had written other songs. Where are those?" 

"Long gone, Em. I threw them all out. They were all shit anyways. I tried to throw that book out too, I just couldn't."

Emily nodded her understanding. "So what happened? Did you tell her how you feel? Or show her this?" 

Beca got a far away look in her eye. "I tried. I tried telling her that night, but I couldn't. She was so excited about her senior year. She just kept talking about how great that year was gonna be. I didn't want to bring her mood down if she didn't feel the same way. And then as the year went on, she started pulling away. 

She introduced me to Aubrey and I tried telling her how she had acted towards me but she just said I was being paranoid. Which, to be fair, I do tend to think people are talking shit about me. Even when I have no proof. But Aubrey had said that shit to my face and Chloe wouldn't listen. By the time spring break rolled around I barely heard from her any more. Which was so crazy because we had been friends for years. It was like she knew she was leaving so why bother anymore? 

She knew my plan was to go straight to LA after I graduated. I was so confused. I was way more pissed off than usual. I ended up not even going to her graduation. What was the point? She didn't even wave at me anymore."

"Wow. Becs, I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible. How the hell did y'all manage to become friends again?"

"Flip to the next song and I'll tell you."

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I Wanna Know?  
> Song by Arctic Monkeys


	2. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well. This is how they became friends again. Please note that you are not really getting Chloe's side. You may end up getting that in the last chapter, but after this chapter Chloe is going to start looking really bad. You've been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2736 words

"So. My senior year of high school was complete shit. I mean. I got through it. But Chloe wasn't there. My parents were fighting all the time and I just felt so alone. Jesse tried to be there. He really did, but I wasn't as comfortable talking to him about shit like that as I was Chloe. My dad finally moved out. The fighting became too much. I was so fucking mad at him. Mad at the world." Beca spoke as if she was still back in high school. 

"How'd you wind up in Barden? You said you were planning on going to LA."

"Well. When my dad left, he took half of the income. I mean, we weren't broke by any means but my mom definitely couldn't afford to get me there. My dad said that the only way he'd help me go is if I went to school. And not just any school but the one he taught at. He wanted to keep an eye on me. It pissed me off to the point that I slashed his tires. He still doesn't know about that." Beca chuckled. 

"Jesus, Becs."

"Yeah, I know. But he really didn't know what he was asking. He had no idea what happened between me and Chloe so he didn't see a problem with me going to the same school as her. When I caved and went, my only hope was that I could steer clear of her. Obviously that didn't happen."

**Beca's freshman year of college**

Beca shoved past her dad as she exited her room. "I don't need you screwing with my life any more than you already have!"

She finally found Jesse at the activities fair. "God, this sucks."

Jesse slung his arm around her shoulder. "Cheer up, Becs. We're young and free. We can stay up as late as we want. Eat as much as we want. Hell, drink as much as we want! This is college!"

Beca rolled her eyes but couldn't help smiling at Jesse's enthusiasm. "I just need something to keep me occupied for the next four years. He acts like I'm going to become an astrophysicist or something."

"Who?"

"My dad, dumb ass!" She chuckled as she shoved him, not paying attention to her surroundings. She managed to run into a stiff body.

As she looked up she saw none other than Aubrey Posen. "Well well well. If it isn't Beca Mitchell looking to cop another feel."

Beca scoffed and glared. "Oh get over yourself, Posen. I wouldn't touch you with Jesse's dick."

Aubrey scoffed as well. Before she could retort there was a flurry of red and blue barreling into her.

"Aubrey! The Dean approved it! If we can find girls to fill up the team, we can start our own group!" Chloe squealed. She didn't see who the blonde was talking to. She turned to introduce herself to the person she saw out of her peripheral. "Hi, I'm Ch- Beca?"

Beca was stoned faced. "Pretty sure that's mine name. But sure I guess you can use it." Beca turned on her heel and grabbed Jesse's wrist to walk away, but she felt one on her own instead. She stiffened. 

"Becs, wait-"

She ripped her wrist away. "Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that. Not anymore." She marched away dragging Jesse behind her.

**Xxxx**

Beca was sitting at her desk, contemplating sleep, when there was a bang on her door. She looked over at her roommate who looked just as confused as she did. She huffed and got up and answered the door. Low and behold, Aubrey Posen was at her door. "The fuck do you want?"

"Nice." Aubrey said as she shoved past Beca. 

"Yeah. Come in. Cuz we're friends and I want you here. In my room. Around my things." Beca let out sarcastically. 

"Cut the shit, Beca. What the hell did you do to Chloe?"

Beca looked at her incredulously. "I didn't do shit to her. That it? Ok, you can go now." Beca opened the door wider and gestured for her to leave.

"I'm not going anywhere until you agree to talk to Chloe."

Beca slammed her door. "Ok then. Hey Kimmy Jin. Looks like we have a new roommate. You cool with that?" Of course the other girl just glared. Beca plopped down onto her bed.

"Why are you like this? Seriously? Wasn't she your friend? Why can't you get over yourself? She's upset and refuses to come out of her room. And I know it's because of you. She's been like this since you stormed away from her."

Beca jumped back up and got in Aubrey's face. "First of all. You get the fuck over yourself. Since the day I've met you, you've done nothing but put me down. Go fuck yourself. And second. Whatever happened between me and Chloe, is between me and Chloe. So either get the fuck out, or I'll call campus security." Beca was fuming. "This isn't high school any more, Posen. You don't run shit here."

Aubrey scoffed and stormed to the door. As she reached for the door her posture changed. She looked over her shoulder and gave a pleading look. "Just. If she contacts you, don't ignore her. Please?"

"Whatever." Beca said as she heard the door close behind the blonde. She laid back on her bed and tossed and turned until she finally fell asleep. Exhausted from the day's events. 

Some time later, she was slapped in the face by a pillow. She started kicking and flipping around in her bed. "What the fuck?!" She screamed as she finally got the blankets off her head and saw a glaring roommate staring down at her.

"Your phone keeps vibrating. It's annoying the piss out of me."

"Seriously?" Beca huffed and grabbed her phone from her nightstand. "Did you have to hit me? You couldn't have just said 'Hey. White girl, answer your phone?"

"This seemed faster." Kimmy Jin shrugged and went back to her own bed.

Beca rolled her eyes and unlocked her phone. 

**12:32 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : Beca?**

**12:37 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : I don't know if this is still your number.**

**12:42 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : that sounds so bad. We used to be best friends. I should know if this is your number or not.**

**12:57 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : Becs, please. If this is you, please answer me. I need to talk to you.**

"Seriously? Four texts? Four texts and I get hit with a pillow?" Beca mumbled to herself. She weighed her options. She could easily ignore the texts and go back to her life. The truth is though that she wants answers. She wants to know why she was so easy to throw away. 

**1:17 a.m. [Beats] : what do you want Chloe?**

**1:18 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : thank god! I'm so glad this is still your number!**

**1:20 a.m. [Beats] : get to the point Chloe. What do you want?**

**1:23 a.m. [Someone I used to know] : I want to talk. But I'm hoping we can do that face to face? Will you come over? If I give you my address?**

Beca was at war in her head. She could never really say no to Chloe. Even though it's been almost two years since they've been friends, she still had that pull.

**1:32 a.m. [Beats] : yeah.**

_ Idiot. _ Once she received the address, she slipped on her shoes and made her way to her car. She didn't really care that she was only in sweats and a cami. She wasn't trying to impress anyone. She gave up on that two years ago. 

As she pulled into the apartment complex, she got nervous. Her palms were sweating. "Get over it, Mitchell. Sack up." She spoke to herself as she exited her car and made her way to Chloe's door. 

She stood there for a few minutes before she knocked. When she finally did. She was surprised that Aubrey answered the door. "Glad to see you got your head out of your ass, hobbit."

"And on that note, I'm leaving." Beca swiveled to leave but Aubrey grabbed her wrist. 

"Sorry. I'm sorry. It was a reflex. Chloe said you were coming. She's in her room. Last door on the right down the hall."

Beca nodded as she begrudgingly made her way inside. She got herself in front of Chloe's bedroom door and contemplated knocking. She decided against it and just turned the handle. What she saw when she opened it both broke her heart and gave her some satisfaction at the same time. Chloe was sat on her bed with red puffy eyes and a picture in her hand. "Chloe." Beca said as she shut the door behind her.

"Becs." Chloe gasped as she noticed the girl. She shot up from the bed and pulled the shorter girl into a hug. "Becs, I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." Chloe sobbed into her shoulder. 

Beca didn't hug back but she did pat the redhead on the back. After a minute she pushed away. "Ok. That's enough. Want to explain to me why I'm here?"

Chloe nodded as she looked Beca in the eye. "I want to explain. What happened with me two years ago. What was going on in my head. Why I pulled away. I know it's my fault and I know you don't have to be here, but I'm so glad you are."

Beca looked around and spotted a chair in the corner. She made her way over and sat down. "Ok. So explain."

"Becs, first of all I just want you to know that I miss you. I've missed you so much. I was so scared my senior year. I've had you in my life for so many years and I knew that I was leaving. I pushed you away hoping it'd be easier to slowly distance myself. I never meant to completely lose contact. I just got so wrapped up. I knew Aubrey did what you said she did. I just didn't want to have to push away the only person I was going to have here. And then after I graduated, I wanted to text you so many times. I wanted to tell you about everything that was happening. But I didn't think you'd want to hear from me. Not after what I did. I was so selfish and I'm so sorry. You're still my best friend and I hope you'll let me back in your life."

Beca let out a big puff of air. "You don't even know what you're asking of me. You don't know what I've been through. I don't trust you, Chloe"

Chloe had some more tears fall down her cheeks. "I know. And I know that's my fault. But I'll do anything to have you back in my life."

Beca was trying to keep her own eyes dry. Seeing Chloe cry was the worst. "I want to believe you, Chloe. I want you to be in my life. But I'm not the same person I used to be. I don't see the world the same way anymore. If I thought we were opposites before? We are polar opposites now."

"Bec, talk to me. What happened?"

Beca looked Chloe dead in the eye. "My parents got divorced. My dad left. My dad left and you left and I'm just not the same anymore."

Chloe got off her bed and got on her knees in front of Beca. The smaller girl wouldn't meet her eyes. "Becs." Chloe whispered as she pulled Beca's chin so she'd look at her. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm so so sorry."

Beca nodded as tears finally ran down her cheeks. Chloe cleaned them up with her thumbs. "Why are you here? Not that I'm not glad, but I thought you were going to LA?"

Beca sniffed and rubbed her nose. "Um. After my dad left, my mom couldn't afford to help me get there. My dad said I had to get a college degree before he'd help me."

Chloe got up and squeezed beside the smaller girl and pulled her into her side. Chloe held tight as she whispered in her ear. "I'm so sorry, Becs. I know what that meant to you. I'm here. And I promise I'm not going anywhere. Never again."

**Present time**

Beca sighed and rubbed her eyes. "It's hard to explain what I was going through at that moment. Chloe was my best friend. Like the person I talked to about everything. She was also my crush. The person who made me realize I liked girls. I was so torn up. But I knew I wanted her in my life. So I forgave her. We ended up skipping class the next day and talked about everything. I told her about my parents.

When I finally went back to my dorm, I wrote this song. It felt so fucking good. I wrote it as if I was speaking to Chloe and my parents at the same time. Like I just needed Chloe to hold on to me while I spoke to them. It helped so much, dude. I was able to start letting go of my resentment. Music really does heal the soul."

Emily could see Beca struggling to not cry. Instead of pushing further at the moment, she decided to read the song and give Beca a little breather. "Why don't you go get us some drinks while I read this? I think it's gonna be a long night."

Beca nodded and got up to leave the room.

Emily sucked in a breath to compose herself and then started reading. 

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Momma _

_ Come here _

_ Approach _

_ Appear _

_ Daddy _

_ I'm alone _

_ 'Cause this house don't feel like home _

_ If you love me _

_ Don't let go _

_ If you love me _

_ Don't let go _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Mother _

_ I know _

_ That you're tired of being alone _

_ Dad I know you're trying _

_ To fight when you feel like flying _

_ But if you love me _

_ Don't let go _

_ If you love me _

_ Don't let go _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

_ Hold _

_ Hold on _

_ Hold on to me _

_ 'Cause I'm a little unsteady _

_ A little unsteady _

Emily wiped the tears from her eyes as Beca came back into the room with a couple glasses and a bottle of wine. Beca didn't say anything as she started pouring. "Becs, this is beautiful."

Beca cleared her throat. "Yeah. Uh. It was the only song I actually thought I could use. It's not too revealing. No one would know I wrote it because of Chloe."

"Is that what this is about? You don't want Chloe to know these songs are for or about her?"

Beca scoffed. "Of course! Em. You haven't got to the bad shit yet. There's a lot of songs in there that make her sound terrible. She's not. It's just how I felt at the time. I needed the release so I wrote. She's not a bad person."

"Beca." Emily threw the book down on the couch and walked over to grab the smaller girl's shoulders. "It's your truth. These are your words. No one has to know it's about Chloe. This right here? This is the type of music that touches people. This is the music that can heal people."

Beca shook her head. "I'm just not ready, Em."

Emily sighed and plopped back down on the couch. "Ok. So. That's how y'all became friends again? Doesn't really tell me how you guys ended up dating though. And then going back to friends. And then completely ghosting each other."

Beca chuckled. "You're only two songs in. Flip to the third and I'll continue my story."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All mistakes are mine. I have no Beta and I only proof read once. So. Sorry?
> 
> Unsteady  
> Song by X Ambassadors


	3. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So. Here goes some angst. Buckle up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I havent proofed this one yet. I will tomorrow night but I'm super tired. Hope you like it anyways.
> 
> This ones longer. 3844 words

Emily flipped to the third song. She saw what looked like old tear stains on the page. She ran her hand over it but forced herself to look away before reading. "Ok. So. How'd you guys end up together?"

Beca grimaced. She wasn't sure if she should really get into this. She still had a hard time at seeing Emily as a full grown adult. "Um. I mean. So how do you want me to go about this? I mean do you want the dirty details?"

Emily blushed. "I mean. I can handle it. I want you to speak your truth. Don't hold back for my sake."

Beca nodded. "Ok. You asked for it."

**Spring break of Beca's freshman year**

Beca made her way to Baker Hall after leaving her very first night shift at the radio station. It was awesome, but it's 5 a.m. and she is exhausted. As her building came into sight, a very sweaty body tackled her to the ground.

"Becs! Becs, I listened the whole night!" Chloe screams as she straddled a very dazed and confused Beca.

"Chloe? Jesus dude! What the hell are you doing out here? Do you know what time it is?"

Chloe got a mischievous smile on her face. "I had to blow off some steam. I decided to take a run. I hoped I'd be able to catch you before you made it back and passed out."

"That's great, Chlo, but do you mind getting off me? I can't breath."

"Yes!" Chloe hopped up and helped Beca up. "I can't have you dying. I need your help."

Beca scoffed playfully as she straightened out her clothes. "Oh I see how it is. You're just using me."

"Oh. There are many ways I could use you. But there's only one thing I need right now." Chloe threw her a saucy wink that stopped Beca in her tracks.

Beca shook it off and stood tall. "Right. So what is it, Chlo? Not to be a dick but I'm super tired."

"Come on. Let's go get you a shower. I brought my bag to your room so I can shower too. There's no time to waste." Chloe grabbed Beca's wrist and went to pull her.

Beca didn't budge. "Uh. Chlo? I'm not showering with you."

Chloe rolled her eyes. "Not  _ with  _ me silly. Your hall has stalls. We can both shower  _ separately  _ as we talk."

Beca nodded. "Good. You don't get to see these goodies." 

Chloe smirked. "We'll see about that."

Beca stumbled a little after that, but she collected herself quickly. 

They made their way to Beca's room. Beca had been working hard to keep her crush on Chloe at bay. She wasn't going to fuck it up now. "So. What is it that you're needing?"

"Well." Chloe linked her arm with Beca's. "You know how Bree and I started that a capella group?"

"Yeeees?" Beca still didn't care much for Aubrey. Aubrey had apologized not too long ago, but Beca is really good at holding grudges. Plus Aubrey still sticks her nose up at her sometimes. 

"Well. You know how we didn't make it to finals?"

"Of course. I was there remember? You guys are good but you're never gonna get far with Aubrey's taste in music. Maybe if you had sang that shit twenty years ago, it would've won."

Chloe chuckled. "No, I know. That's why I'm here. We got a call saying we're back in. Something about the other team cheating. Aubrey was super excited. But I told her it didn't matter because there was no way we'd beat the Trebles. we got into an argument about it. So last night I blared the stereo to annoy her. She fell in love with one of your mixes. It actually convinced her to change the set. But. We need your help."

Beca got her door unlocked and strode in. "Oh no. No no no. No way am I going to spend any amount of my spring break with Posen." She said as she snatched up her shower caddy and robe. "This is my me time. And she's horrid. No way, Chloe."

Chloe grabbed her bag and followed after Beca. "Becs, please. I know she can be a lot, but this isn't for her. This is for me. I really want to win. This is our first year as a group and it would make a huge statement if we were to win the ICCAs our first year. " she started stripping down before she got in her stall. "Just consider it." She looked up and saw Beca blushing and staring at the ceiling.

Beca cleared her throat. "I'll uh. I'll think about it." She mumbled and made her way into her stall.

Beca started relaxing under the warm water. She's had the same song stuck in her head since she started her shift. She completely forgot her company on the next stall and started singing.  _ "Take it out, take it out, take it out on me. I don't mind if we fight, if you make me bleed. If you wanna let out just a little bit of steam, take it out on me."  _ Next thing she knows, her shower curtain is being ripped open.

"Beca!"

"Jesus Christ, Chloe!" Beca screamed and ripped the curtain out of her hand. "Get the fuck out!"

"Nuh uh." Chloe said as she ripped the curtain out of Beca's hands. "Not happening. Why didn't you ever tell me you could sing? You friggin sneak! Why didn't you join the Bellas!?"

"Chloe. For the love of all that is good. Get out of this shower before. I can not concentrate on anything with your junk out!"

"I mean. I'm having a little trouble too. You've been hiding a rocking body on me, Becs. Where'd all that come from?"

"Chloe. I can't deal with you right now. Get out!"

Chloe threw her hands up in surrender. "Fine. Fine. But we're talking about this when we get back to your room, Mitchell. No arguments."

Beca rolled her eyes and nodded. That seemed to be good enough for Chloe who smiled and left. Beca let out a sigh of relief and mumbled to herself. "God. Now I need a cold shower."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Nothing. Just finish your shower, Beale."

**Xxxx**

Beca finally plopped down on her bed. Chloe followed right after.

"I can't believe I didn't know you could sing." Chloe huffed. 

"Yeah well. There's lots you don't Know about me, Red. I'm a mysterious being."

"Oh I bet." Chloe rolled on her side so she could look at Beca properly. "You know, I haven't experimented yet. Isn't that like a must for college?"

"Sucks for you, dude. But you're only a sophomore. You got plenty of time." Beca barely even registered what Chloe said. She was scrolling through her phone, and Chloe says weird shit all the time anyways. 

Chloe rolled her eyes and sighed. She shoved Beca's shoulder. "You're an idiot. I meant with you."

Beca dropped her phone on her face after that. She turned her neck so fast to look at Chloe that she was scared she got a kink. "Wait. With me what?"

"Experimenting! Duh!" Chloe gave a beaming smile. Like she hadn't just offered to fuck Beca. "I wasn't kidding before. You have a banging body. And who better to experiment with than my best friend? I mean, I trust you, right? And we're friends. Seems perfect."

"Uh. Chloe. I don't know if that's a good idea."

"Why? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?"

**Present time**

"Famous last words." Emily snickered. She kinda wished she had some popcorn. 

"Right? Of course she had no idea that I was into her. She knew I wasn't a virgin and she knew that I was bi, so she didn't see a problem. A big part of me just wanted to say no. Like big red flashing lights were going off in my head. But then the other part of me was like 'maybe this would be a way for her to see me in that way. To see me as a potential partner.' I am seriously a weak person. Because I caved 2.5 seconds after I hesitated. I mean. I had wanted to kiss that girl since I was thirteen and she told me aunt that she was an idiot for telling me I wouldn't get anywhere with music."

"I mean. I know how this story ends, but that's still super cute. What'd your aunt say?"

Beca chuckled. "Well. She called Chloe a soulless ginger. Much like Fat Amy does all the time."

Emily laughed loudly. "O m g. That is priceless."

"You're telling me. I had never actually wanted to kiss someone before until that day. Of course she wasn't my first kiss. But I was thinking about her when I did have my first kiss."

"Who was your first kiss?" Emily was genuinely curious.

"Jesse." Beca laughed freely. "It was so awkward. I wasn't into him at all. But he was my friend and he made me feel secure. Which I guess was why Chloe suggested the same thing with me. I was safe for her. Secure."

Emily nodded. "I can see that. So what happened?"

"You really wanna know?"

"I mean." Emily shrugged. "I'm here aren't I? And I asked. You're not gonna break me, Beca."

"Well.."

**Spring break of Beca's freshman year**

"Well. Shit. Ok. I mean, why not?" Beca said nervously. Her eyes flicking around the room, refusing to meet sky blue. 

"Bec. Hey. We don't have to do this. You seem super nervous." Chloe rubbed Beca's forearm soothingly. 

"No no no!" She cleared her throat. "I mean, no. I want to. I'm just. I mean. It's been a while. Ya know?"

  
  


Chloe gave a flirty smile. "Well, we can change that." She slid her hand slowly up Beca's arm.

"Wait, you mean right now?"

"Well, yeah. If you want?"

"Uh. Yeah. Yeah, ok." Beca finally met Chloe's eyes. "Yeah, I'm cool with that."

Chloe smiled. "Relax, Becs. Let's just. See where this goes."

Beca watched as Chloe slowly leaned in. Chloe's bottom lip fit perfectly between hers. Her lips were soft but purposeful. Her brain short circuited the second she felt Chloe's tongue on her lip. Her lungs were on fire. She felt like she was suffocating. Then she realised she was suffocating because she wasn't breathing. 

As soon as she took a breath, her brain started working again. She let Chloe in as soon as the red head's tongue became more persistent. As soon as their tongues touched, she heard a moan. She's not sure who it was, but she knows she heard it, and it was invigorating. 

She finally managed to get her hands to move. She fisted red hair as she sucked on Chloe's tongue. That moan was definitely from Chloe.

Apparently, Chloe took Beca's bold move as an invitation to straddle the brunette. Her hips slowly started grinding as she groped Beca's breasts over her sleep shirt. 

Beca ripped her mouth away as her hips buckled. "Jesus!"

Chloe sat up but didn't remove her hands or stop her grinding. "What? What's wrong?" Her hooded eyes zeroed in on Beca's. 

"Nothing. Just. A little faster than I was expecting."

Chloe smirked as she grinded a little harder and flexed her fingers. "I'm not looking for slow and sensual, Becs. That ok with you?"

Beca wasn't quite sure what she was expecting, but it definitely wasn't this. "Yeah. Yeah sure."

Chloe smiled devilishly. "Good." She leaned back in to ravish the brunette's mouth again. 

As Chloe's tongue slid behind her teeth, Beca felt the red head's right hand sliding down her body. The resistance of Beca's short's elastic band was nothing against Chloe's hand as she slid underneath it and Beca's panties. "Mmmm. Jesus, Bec. You're so wet already."

Beca let out something between a whimper and a moan as Chloe circled her entrance before dragging her finger up to circle her clit. 

**Present**

"Ok ok ok. I get the picture. You had sex."

Beca laughed loudly. "You said you wanted to hear the whole story!"

"Ok. Well. I've got it."

Beca chuckled. "Yeah. So anyways. We hooked up. She acted totally normal afterwards. She got up, got dressed, and then laid back down on my bed and convinced me to join the Bellas. Not that I took much convincing. I was willing to jump off a bridge for her after that."

"Ok? So y'all started out as friends with benefits but then obviously got together. How'd that happen?"

"You're skipping ahead, Em. I haven't even got to the song part."

"Right, right. Sorry."

"Anyways. I thought that it was going to be a one time thing since she didn't bring it up again for months. In fact, we didn't hook up again until my sophomore year. We obviously won the ICCA's and I became good friends with the girls. Even Aubrey laid off. Once that summer hit, I was resigned to the fact that Chloe just wasn't interested in continuing. I figured she tried it and didn't like it. Or like me. I mean, it's not like I was  _ that _ experienced."

Emily frowned. "So you just gave up?"

Beca shrugged. "I mean, I guess. I'm not exactly all that confident when it comes to stuff like that. And her not trying anything after that kinda sealed the deal for me that I'm just mediocre in bed."

"So. What happened next?"

"Well. We continued being friends obviously. I managed to keep my feelings in check. A month into my sophomore year, I finally got it to where that night with Chloe only popped into my head every couple of days instead of every other minute. I finally started feeling normal again. My feelings didn't even get hurt when we all moved into our new Bella house and she decided to room with Aubrey instead of me. 

But then the party happened. I don't even remember what the party was for. But like I said, I became good friends with the girls so we all went. Stacie convinced me to dance."

**Beca's sophomore year**

"DJ! Come dance with me!" Stacie pulled Beca out of her comfy corner and towards the makeshift dance floor full of fumbling bodies. 

Beca didn't fight it. She'd already had a few drinks and was feeling pretty loose. As soon as they reached the dancefloor, Stacie spun her around to where Beca's ass was right up against her front and started grinding. Beca just laughed and went with it. Not even two minutes later, Chloe appeared in front of her and wrapped her arms around Beca's neck and successfully pulled her away from Stacie. Stacie just turned and started dancing with the closest person to her, in the same suggestive way she was dancing with Beca. 

At first, Beca didn't think anything of it. Just Chloe wanting to dance. Until her hands started to wander. As soon as her hands slid over Beca's ass, her teeth sunk into the brunette's neck. Beca pulled back. "Chloe? What are you doing?"

"Experimenting." She whispered matter of factly In Beca's ear before she ran her tongue over the shell.

Beca shivered. She knew this was a bad idea. She finally felt normal and she knew this would set her back. Beca is an idiot. She figured this out when the bathroom door locked and she was slammed against the sink.

**Present**

"So. I noticed a trend. Literally every time Stacie or anyone else got a little flirty, Chloe wanted to  _ experiment.  _ I was getting so fucking mad. Months went by with no explanation. It was tearing me apart but any time I tried to bring it up, she would change the subject quickly. We never talked about it. 

It started to become routine. On the nights that Amy was out with Bumper, Chloe wound up in my bed. 

There were times when she'd ghost me for a few days. She'd come home super late smelling like a club, or worse, covered in Axe body spray. Those nights she didn't make it to my bed. 

Until one day. Everything seemed fine. I do believe it was a Friday. All the girls wanted to go out. I wasn't feeling it so I decided to stay in. As the other girls got ready, I just threw on a tank and some basketball shorts and settled on the couch to watch netflix. 

As the girls were leaving, Chloe sat next to me and patted my leg. She said she wasn't feeling it either so she wouldn't stay out late. She said she'd come back and we could binge Buffy for a while. Of course I was looking forward to it. It had been one of those weird periods where she hardly talked to me, so I was excited to spend some time with her. Even without the sex, she was still my best friend. 

They left and I got comfy on the couch. Time passed. 9 p.m. 10:30. 12. Around 1 a.m. I gave up. I tried my hardest not to cry. Chloe is a lot of things, but a liar isn't one of them. I tried not to worry. I texted a few times but never got a response. I had expected to spend the night with my best friend just bull shitting. When I got to my room I ended up texting Amy to see if Chloe was still there. If she wasn't then that meant she could be in a ditch somewhere. I really wish I hadn't texted. 

Amy sent me an incoherent response followed by a picture. It was of Chloe on the dance floor with her tongue halfway down some Abercrombie throat. 

I had no right to be as upset as I got. I figured she was still hooking up with other people. I mean, I could smell it some nights. I just hadn't had to see it before. And of course Amy didn't know anything. 

I ended up tossing and turning in my bed. I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't get the image out of my head even though I deleted it immediately. 

I finally hear the girls coming in. I looked at the time and it was just after 2 in the morning. I figured Chloe was home so I relaxed a little. Amy never came up, so I figured she ran off with Bumper. 

I looked at my phone again because I still couldn't sleep. It was just past 3. This pissed me off even more. Now Chloe was fucking with my much needed sleep. I threw the blankets over my head just as I heard footsteps coming up the steps. I figured it was a rare night where Amy humped and dumped. 

But when the door opened, the smell of Axe so strong it seeped through my blankets. Now. Bumper's a douche. But he's not an Axe wearing douche. I cringed. She had never came up after one of her hookups before. And this time I had a visual of what she had been up to. 

She thought I was asleep. She pulled my blankets away from my face, but I kept my eyes closed. She tried waking me but I refused to open my eyes. I knew what she wanted by the timber in her voice. There was no way in hell I was touching her that night. She didn't even bother to shower. 

For some reason she climbed into my bed after failing to wake me up. She got under the blankets, and the smell was just so damn strong. I had to hold my breath to calm down. I was crying but she didn't notice. She was obviously drunk. 

Finally I heard her light snoring. I carefully made my way out of the bed and grabbed my notebook. That's the night I wrote that song."

Emily was breathing heavy. "Bec? Why do that to yourself? How the hell did you stay friends with her? I'm so mad right now!"

Beca chuckled but her eyes were sad. "You're only hearing the bad, Em. You're not hearing all the good stuff. The stuff that made me feel important in her life. The stuff that made my heart happy. She's so kind, Em. She had no idea what she was doing to me, and I was too cowardice to speak up."

Emily's shoulders dropped. "I guess you're right. Why didn't you ever write about the good stuff?"

Beca laughed. "Oh I did. I wrote a lot actually. But. When I moved out here, I couldn't look at them any more. It just made staying away harder. But the ones you're reading? Those motivate me. They hurt, but they help me remember why I'm here when I want to write her."

Emily had a tear fall and she sniffled. "Yeah. I can understand that." Emily flipped the book back open to the third song and started reading. 

_ Up in bed, all alone _

_ Wondering where you've been _

_ Ten past three _

_ I know the club closed at two A.M _

_ I've already been through about seven scenarios _

_ 'Bout what it was that changed your mind _

_ Knowing very well that you told me you'd come home _

_ And it happens every time _

_ Wish I had no expectations _

_ I wish that I could get it through your head _

_ With no confrontation _

_ I really wish we could talk about it instead _

_ All these tears that I cry while I'm turned to the side _

_ And you're in the same fucking bed _

_ Wish I had no expectations _

_ But I expect, you expect, we expect _

_ No, I don't mean to pry _

_ I don't need no play by play (Nah) _

_ All I need from your side is for you to communicate _

_ Respect for my time, respect for my space, respect for my energy _

_ 'Cause I've been waiting here all night for you to warm me up _

_ And you haven't once thought of me _

_ Wish I had no expectations _

_ I really wish that I could get it through your head _

_ With no confrontation _

_ I really wish we could talk about it instead _

_ All these tears that I cry while I'm turned to the side _

_ And you're in the same fucking bed _

_ Wish I had no expectations _

_ But I expect, you expect, we expect _

_ Oh, I wish I had no expectations _

_ I wish I could get through your head _

_ With no confrontation (Confrontations) _

_ I really wish we could talk about it instead (Instead) _

_ All these tears that I cry while I'm turned to the side _

_ And you're in the same fucking bed _

_ Wish I had no expectations (No) _

_ But I expect, you expect, we expect _

"Damn, Becs. Do you have the music for these?"

"Um. Yeah. I actually have the music written out too on my mac. I just never recorded it. I don't even know if I'd be able to make it through them."

"Well. There's no harm in trying, right?"

"Maybe."

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expectations  
> Song by Lauren Jauregui


	4. Bored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So. Some truths are revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter one. 1893 words

"So what happened after?" Emily asked a little too excitedly. 

"Well. I got super pissed. Obviously. I ended up sleeping on the couch that night. Everything else happened pretty quickly after that. The next few songs anyways."

**November Beca's sophomore year**

Beca woke up with a sore back and the light of the sun shining through her eyelids. She groaned as she sat up from the couch. At first she was confused as to why she was on the couch, then the events of the night before rushed back into her head and pissed her off all over again. 

She huffed and grumbled as she got up from the couch. She looked around for the other girls but realized pretty quickly that it must be too early for the hungover girls to be awake. 

She got a pretty petty idea in her head. She knew she shouldn't do it, but she was hurt, so. 

Beca stomped her way up to her and Amy's room. She flung the door open and let it slam into the wall. The redhead in her bed didn't even twitch. This made Beca angrier.

She strode towards her bed and ripped the comforter off of Chloe. She didn't even blink when she saw that the redhead was only wearing panties. She scoffed instead. "Get up, Chloe!" She fumed.

The redhead rolled onto her back, revealing her breasts, but didn't wake up. 

Beca balled up the comforter, threw it out into the hall, then tugged the pillow out from under Chloe's head and hit her with it. "Wake up, Chloe!"

Chloe grumbled as her hands searched for the missing comforter. When she couldn't find it she mumbled "mm? Beca?"

Beca huffed. "Get your ass out of my bed and get dressed.

Chloe rubbed her eyes with the palms of her eyes as she sat up. "Beca? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Beca asked incredulously. "Pft. There won't be anything wrong in an hour or so after my sheets are washed and you're out of my bed." Beca's voice was raised purposefully. She knew the redhead always had raging headaches after a night out drinking.

Chloe winced. "Can you not do your shrieking thing right now? My head is killing me." Beca's words still hadn't sunk in. 

"Chloe." Beca was getting tired of this. "Get up. Get dressed. And get out of my room."

Chloe sobered a little. Her eyes squinted as she studied Beca. "Beca. What the hell is wrong? Why are you being so hostile right now? And at" Chloe reached over to Beca's nightstand and grabbed her phone. "7:30 in the morning? Beca. You're never up this early."

Beca's eyebrows rose almost to her hairline as she studied Chloe. "Are you serious right now? Chloe. Do you remember last night?"

Chloe scoffed as Beca bent down and picked up the shirt that she was wearing last night and threw it at her face. Chloe caught it before it hit her, but that's besides the point. "First of all." Chloe put her shirt on. "Of course I remember last night. Second. You need to tone it the fuck down. I don't know what your trauma is this morning, but it's a little much."

Beca's neck was red and it slowly traveled up until it covered her entire face. She could feel the vein in her neck protruding. "The fact that you remember last night and are still asking me what's wrong is a part of the fucking problem."

Chloe softened. She stood from the bed and walked to Beca and watched as Beca tensed further. She touched her forearm. "Bec, just tell me what's wrong."

Beca could feel the tears burning the backs of her eyes, but she was trying very hard to keep them from falling. She took a step back and took a steadying breath. "Chloe. You came into my room last night, covered in the smell of some dude, and then tried to get into my pants."

Chloe got a confused look on her face. "So? Bec, I'm so confused. This is what we do. I was horny when I came home. I come to you when I need to and you come to me. I don't get the problem."

Beca felt the tear fall before she could catch it. "I need you to go. Right now, Chloe."

Chloe shook her head. "No. Not right now. You need to talk to me. You're my best friend, Bec, and obviously something is going on."

Beca shook her head and turned and walked towards her desk. She reached in the drawer and pulled out her hidden jar of coffee. It wasn't anything special, but the girls went through coffee like crazy and Beca would rather shave her eyebrows off than run out of coffee. She turned back to Chloe, popped the lid and shoved it in her face. "Smell this."

Chloe looked at her like she was crazy. "What? No, you weirdo."

"Just smell the damn coffee, Chloe!"

Chloe rolled her eyes. "Fine." She took a big whiff. "There. Happy now?"

"Now smell the room."

Chloe sniffed a little and the smell of some random dudes body spray assaulted her nose. "Ugh. Jesus, Bec. What the hell is that?"

Beca squinted. "You tell me. You permeated my room with it last night."

Beca watched as multiple expressions passed Chloe's face until it stopped at a hardened, cold look. "Beca. We're not together. I'm single and I'm in college. I'm allowed to have fun."

Beca hardened herself. "Trust me. I know you're not my girlfriend. I am fully aware. But I would think, considering you're my best friend, you'd have a little bit more fucking respect for my God damn space. You think I want you all up on me after you've been all over someone else? You climbed into my fucking bed without even bothering to wash him off of you."

"Ok. I can see how that might be a problem. I'm sorry I did that. I know it's not an excuse, but I was drunk. That guy last night didn't exactly get the job done and I was still worked up. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry."

Beca deflated. At the end of the day, Chloe would never intentionally hurt anybody and Beca knew that. She wanted so bad just to ask Chloe to be hers. She wanted all of Chloe. But she was a realist. She knew Chloe. If Chloe wanted her that way, she would say so. If Chloe wanted only her, she wouldn't still be hooking up with other people. Beca decided she needed to speak her truth. At least a little of it. She's not that brave. "We can't do this anymore."

Chloe tensed. "What? Bec, why?"

"You know why, Chloe. You're not stupid. And in order to save this friendship, this needs to stop. I'm tired of it, Chloe. I can't do it anymore. I feel tense all the time. I never know which version of the you I'm getting."

Chloe shook her head. "Bec, this is college. This is the time for experimenting and having fun. That's what this is. That's what I told you this is. I'm. I'm not gay, Bec."

Beca saw fear cross Chloe's face and she wasn't sure why. "That's fine, Chloe. I'm not going to force you into anything. But this has to stop. For my sanity. I'm just. Bored? No. I don't know. Last night really got to me. Seeing you with that guy re-"

"Wait, what? Seeing me? How did you see me?"

"Amy sent me a picture."

"Beca! You told Amy about us? What the hell, Beca?! That is not ok!" Chloe found her pants and shoved them on.

"What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't tell Amy! I texted her to ask if you were still there because you  _ told  _ me you were coming home early and when you didn't I got worried!"

Chloe buttoned her pants as she shook her head. "Do you hear yourself, Bec? Come home early? We're not together!"

Beca felt like she was getting whiplash. "I wasn't referring to anything about that, Chloe! I was looking forward to spending time with my best friend! My best friend told me she was going to chill with me. And then instead of letting me know she wasn't going to make it, she ignored me all night to the point where I thought she was dead in a fucking ditch! This isn't about my feelings for you, Chloe."

"Feelings? There are feelings now? Jesus, Bec!"

Beca was starting to seethe again. She felt like she was going insane. "For Christ's sake. Just go, Chloe. I just need you to go."

"Yeah." Chloe said as she strode to the door. "Yeah, I think that's what you need too. Let me know when you stop being crazy."

That was the first time Beca felt like Chloe said something hurtful on purpose. "Get out."

"Gladly."

As soon as the door slammed, Beca fell to her knees as she let the tears fall freely. She tried to scrub them away with her palms but they just wouldn't stop. "Fuck it." She mumbled.

**Present**

Beca pressed her fingers to her eyes to try to stop the flow of tears. She heard Emily stand to walk towards her, but she put up her hands to stop her. "I'm fine. It's fine. That was just a rough day."

Emily sat back down and looked at the song. She wasn't sure what to say, so she just read instead.

  
  


_ The games you played were never fun _

_ You'd say you'd stay but then you'd run _

_ Giving you what you're begging for _

_ Giving you what you say I need _

_ I don't want any settled scores _

_ I just want you to set me free _

_ Giving you what you're begging for _

_ Giving you what you say I need, say I need _

_ I'm not afraid anymore _

_ What makes you sure you're all I need? _

_ Forget about it _

_ When you walk out the door and leave me torn _

_ You're teaching me to live without it _

_ Bored, I'm so bored, I'm so bored, so bored _

_ I'm home alone, you God knows where _

_ I hope you don't think that shit's fair _

_ Giving you all you want and more _

_ Giving you every piece of me _

_ But I will never can afford _

_ I just want you to love for free _

_ Can't you see that I'm getting bored? _

_ Giving you every piece of me, piece of me _

_ I'm not afraid anymore _

_ What makes you sure you're all I need? _

_ Forget about it _

_ When you walk out the door and leave me torn _

_ You're teaching me to live without it _

_ I'm so bored, I'm so bored, so bored _

_ Giving you what you're begging for _

_ Giving you what you say I need _

_ I don't want any settled scores _

_ I just want you to set me free _

_ Giving you what you're begging for _

_ Giving you what you say I need, say I need _

_ I'm not afraid anymore _

_ What makes you sure you're all I need? _

_ Forget about it _

_ And when you walk out the door and leave me torn _

_ You're teaching me to live without it _

"It sounds like you finally got fed up."

Beca chuckled darkly. "Yeah, well if that were the case there wouldn't be 7 more songs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bored by Billie Eilish


	5. You think I think I sound like God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read it. I dunno.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a short one. 2418 words

**December Beca's sophomore year**

Beca was walking through the quad slowly. She needed to get to the station, but she just wasn't feeling it. She hadn't been feeling it for a bit now. Nothing seemed to be able to pull her out of this funk. She saw someone waving from her peripheral but turned her head to ignore it. Whoever it was could suck a bag of dicks. 

Suddenly there was a body in front of her that made her stop in her tracks. "Beca. Why are you ignoring me?"

Beca looked up. "Hey, Aubrey. Sorry. Didn't realise it was you."

"What's wrong?"

Beca reeled back. "What? Nothings wrong."

Aubrey rolled her eyes. "Ok. Try that one more time, but this time try the truth."

Beca glared. "We may be some what cordial now, but we are in no way friends. I'm not talking to you about this."

Aubrey put her hands up in surrender. "Hey. I get it, ok? I have been a massive dick to you since the moment I saw you. I apologize, but this isn't really about you. I'm here because of Chloe."

Beca rolled her eyes. "Whatever she has to say to me, she can say it to me herself. Not through you."

Aubrey's nostrils flared as she took a deep breath to calm herself. "She didn't tell me a thing, Beca. But I know something is wrong. The house has been eerily quiet the past few weeks. She only comes out of our room for class and practice. She hasn't said a word about you in three weeks, Beca. Three weeks! That's the longest I've went without hearing your name out of her mouth! Including after yall lost touch in high school. Now I don't know what happened. I don't even care to know. But what I do know is that you care about her. Maybe even more than you should."

Beca went to interrupt but Aubrey stopped her. 

"I'm not blind, Beca. I've seen the way you look at her. And if she hadn't been hooking up with guys this whole time, I'd say she feels the same. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that my best friend is hurting, and from what I can see? You're the only one who can fix it. So please. For the Bellas' sanity, fix it." And with that, Aubrey turned and walked away.

Beca was left flabbergasted. She started marching to the studio. Too irritated to feel bummed out at the moment. 

She pushed her way into the station and flung her bag on the desk. "Stupid redheads. Why should I fix it? Huh? Why is it on me?" She realized she was talking to herself, but she didn't really care.

"Hey, Bec. If you're going insane, could you maybe do it when there aren't so many shiny pretty things around?" Jesse grinned at her.

"Shut it, Jesse!" Beca snapped. She saw the hurt flash across his face and she softened immediately. "I'm sorry, Jess. I didn't mean to snap at you."

He placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's cool, Bec. But what's with you. You've been a little checked out lately."

"It's nothing, Jess. Don't worry about it."

"Hey." He turned her to face him squarely and grabbed her shoulder. "It's not nothing. Talk to me."

Beca just wanted to let it all out. She was so tired of hiding how she felt. She couldn't talk to the one person she wanted to, so she decided to let Jesse have it. Even though she'd never confided in him about her deep shit, she knew she could trust him. So as the tears fell, she told him everything.

Jesse pulled her into a hug. "Shit, Becs. Why didn't you tell me?"

She sniffled as she pulled away and sat down. "I don't know, dude. I thought I had a handle on things. I thought that if I just gave her time, ya know? I was so damn stupid, and I knew it the whole time. I was falling for her the second she came back into my life, and I did nothing to stop it. I only made it worse. And now I've lost her. Not just the intimate side, but the friend side. I don't have my coffee buddy. I don't have my music friend. I don't have the person that gets just as excited about my mixes as I do. I don't have the person who knows all my bullshit and still sticks around. I don't have the person who pulls me out of my hermit tendencies and makes me experience the world. I don't have the sweetest smile lighting up my day anymore. I don't know why I thought I could have her. She is so far above me. She's so much better. And I fucked up that friendship by thinking I might just be able to have more. I was so selfish. And now I don't have my person anymore, Jess, and I don't know what to do."

He sighed as he sat next to her. "Do you want my advice?"

She chuckled darkly. "Couldn't hurt. I've already dug myself a pretty deep hole."

"Well." He cleared his throat. "I think you need to fall for someone else."

Beca scoffed and looked at him incredulously. "I can't, Jess."

"No. No you can. You just don't want to. No one  _ wants  _ to fall in love with someone else when they're already in love. But if you want to be friends with her, then you're going to have to stop seeing her that way."

Beca sniffled as she nodded. "Yeah. I don't know anyone who can pull me in like her. She's like the sun, and I'm this tiny meteor flying by trying not to burn up. But her gravity is so strong that she pulls me in anyways, even though I know it'll destroy me. How do I move on from something like that, Jess?"

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in tight. "I don't know, Becs. But I'll be here to figure it out with you."

She nodded and cried into his shoulder. "Thanks, Jess. I really needed to let that out."

He patted her shoulder. "Any time, Becs. Any time."

**Present**

"Wow. So y'all really just stopped talking?"

Beca stretched and let out a yawn. "Yeah for a few weeks. I ended up writing again, obviously. I also started trying to date. It was terrible, mostly. Like really terrible. Either they weren't happy enough, or they were too happy. They didn't smile bright enough. They didn't laugh the right way. It was shit. But then about a week before Christmas, Jesse introduced me to Benji."

"Wait, Benji? My Benji?" Emily gave Beca a death stare that made Beca laugh. 

"Relax, Em. Nothing happened. We went out for coffee. And don't get me wrong, he's a cute kid. But that's what it was like for me. Or maybe even having coffee with an adorable little brother. Anyways he was so goofy and just completely in his own world. He didn't care that other people thought he was weird. He was into his own thing and wasn't going to apologize for it. That's how we became such good friends. I have major respect for him. Most people say they don't care what other people think, when they really do. But not him. He was unapologetically himself from the second I met him. He was just so happy that it pulled me out of my funk. I told him that he was too nice of a guy for me to drag along. I told him I was hung up on someone but that we should hang out because I need his kind of crazy in my life."

Emily relaxed. "Yeah. He's pretty great."

Beca smiled at her. "Yeah he is. Anyways. I was in a much better mood after that coffee 'date' thing. I ended up going home with a smile on my face thinking about the damn dove that he pulled out of his pocket. I mean, who does that?"

Emily laughed fully at that. "He did that with me too on our first date. I thought you had gone insane when you introduced us. I was ready to strangle you. And then he pulled out my chair for me and called me madam. It was just too adorable."

Beca chuckled. "Yeah, he told me. He said his palms were sweating so bad that he let the bird slip and it flew around the restaurant for a minute before it flew out the door."

"Yeah we got a few glares for that. But the rest is history."

"I'm happy for you, Em. I really am." Beca smiled but she couldn't help the hurt she felt in her heart for not having that for herself.

"Ok ok. Stop trying to change the subject by distracting me with my adorably dorky boyfriend. What happened next?"

Beca got a far away look in her eye. "Well. Nothing good."

**A week before Christmas Beca's sophomore year**

Beca walked back into the Bella house, chuckling as she thought about the dorky kid she just had coffee with. She ran smack dab into Fat Amy. 

"Hey, shortie! How was the date? You're all smiles so it must've been good!"

"Wait, what? How do you know about that?"

"Oh. Jesse came by to see you. When Chloe told him you were out, he said the date must be going good then left."

Beca just  _ knew _ he did that on purpose. She was about to get mad when she realized that she had nothing to be mad about. Chloe still wasn't talking to her, and Benji was nice. Not dateable nice, but still nice. "It was ok. He's a sweet guy. Not really my cup of tea, but still nice."

Beca went to make her way upstairs but was shoulder checked by a blur of red. "Jesus, Chloe! I know you saw me!"

Chloe mumbled an apology as she rushed out the door.

Beca shook her head. "Whatever." She mumbled and made her way upstairs. 

Later that night after all the girls were asleep, Beca made her way downstairs to get a bottle of water. She was in the zone on a mix and was really pumped. As she opened the fridge she heard the front door slam open and saw a stumbling redhead barge through the door. She froze when she saw the blood trickling from Chloe's nose and the drenched blouse.

The second Chloe fell back into a wall Beca rushed to her. "Jesus, Chloe. What happened?"

Chloe gave her a lazy smile. "Hey, Bec." She flung herself at her and pulled her into a hug. "You're like, really blurry right now."

Beca sighed. "Ok drunky. Let's get you to bed."

Chloe pulled away. "No. I'm good. I want to bake a cake."

"Chloe. You're drunk. Let's just go to bed and bake a cake tomorrow."

Chloe shook her head stubbornly as she stumbled to the living room and fell to the couch. "You don't get to tell me what to do, Beca. You're not God."

Beca sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "You know I don't believe in God, Chloe. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just trying to help."

"Well I don't need your help!" Chloe cried out.

"Fine! Fine. Whatever. Do what you want." Beca stomped her way back to the kitchen and grabbed her bottle. She sighed and sat it back down so she could pull the oven out. It took her a minute, but she finally pulled it out far enough to unplug the damn thing. She pushed it back so that the redhead wouldn't know what happened. "Not gonna let her kill herself or the rest of us just because she's being a stubborn ass." She mumbled as she grabbed her water again.

She made her way back upstairs, but not before she peaked into the living room and saw the redhead passed out on the couch. She sighed, grabbed a throw blanket and put it over the redhead after she pulled off her hills. She placed her water bottle and a couple advil on the coffee table.

**Present**

"Anyways. That's the night I wrote that song. I couldn't get it out of my head, so i had to write it down otherwise i was never going to finish my mix."

Emily nodded and then started reading.

  
  


_ I wonder what I am made of _

_ I got a hundred old secrets locked up inside my old teenage brain _

_ You put me underneath the Christmas tree _

_ I still want you to believe in infinity _

_ Just because _

_ And I'm breaking my back just to run into you _

_ What part of me are you just not attracted to? _

_ My voice is all that I got _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ But I got the microphone and you don't _

_ Got all the right words up in my throat _

_ And I stepped out of line with myself _

_ And I opened my eyes to someone else _

_ Truth is I wrecked a home and a house _

_ It beats me up when I remember making out in cars _

_ If that light is not turning green _

_ I'd rather feel your teenage breath on me anyday _

_ My voice is all that I got _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ You think that I think I sound like God _

_ And I just want to go outside with you _

_ I just want to talk to you _

_ Cause talking's what I'm good at _

_ Yeah it's what I'm good at _

_ Let me take you over _

_ Let me get you sober _

_ And out of these wet clothes _

_ You got a bloody nose _

_ You're fighting over me again _

_ But you know you're my best friend _

_ Nobody's breaking that trend _

_ Just want to go outside with you _

_ Let me go outside with you _

_ Just want to go outside with you _

_ I don't want to fight with you _

_ Just want to make it better _

_ Just want to wear your sweater _

_ Have coffee in the morning _

_ Make you laugh when you're yawning _

_ Oh _

"This is really sweet, Becs."

"Yeah, well. It's how I felt at the time." Beca shrugged. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You Think I Think I Sound Like God  
> Song by Amy Shark


End file.
